an open letter to senator george allen (R-VA)

Dear Senator Allen,

Far be it from me to tell someone else how to do their job, but it seems like you need some pointers.  Now, I am not a fancy political consultant or anything, but I am a big fan of The West Wing.  Based on my experience watching President Bartlett and company banter their way through the DC political/media jungle oozing benevolence and finesse, I think I can help you out with a few simple pointers:

(1)  Don’t use racial slurs at press conferences, especially when you are being considered for a presidential run in a couple of years.

Frankly, I can’t believe nobody else told you this ahead of time.  I thought it would go without saying, but apparently not.  So: Don’t do it!  Nobody likes it.  And the slur you chose was a weird, antiquated term that nobody outside of francophone
Africa had ever heard.  Maybe you were trying to impress the voters with your big vocabulary?  If so, I have to say, your efforts seem to have backfired.

(2)  Do not wear Confederate flag pins, hang Confederate flags on your wall, put Confederate flag bumper stickers on your car, etc.

OK, I know you were in high school when you wore the pin.  But, uhm, Senator Allen, you went to high school in California.  So, what’s up with that anyway?  I sort of get how a young, impressionable pre-teen in the South might be convinced that the Stars ‘n’ Bars is a symbol of states’ rights or something, but really, living in California, you clearly went out and picked up this Confederate zeal on your own.  (FYI, for most of us, that flag doesn’t connote the proud heritage of the American South, it makes us think of slavery.  If you are looking for a more suitable symbol of southern culture, may I suggest you check out the Mint Julep.)  As for the flag on the wall in your college dorm, or the bumper sticker on your car…  I know it was a while ago, but seriously, have a little foresight.  Personally, I think people (especially Senators and presidential candidates) should not be huge racists.  But I see how that may be asking a lot.  Still, if you want to entertain notions about pursuing the presidency, could you have the decency to at least try to disguise your deep-seated racism, I mean, just a little?  No?  Uhm, ok.

(3)  Do not hang a noose from the ficus tree in your law office.

Senator Allen, come on!  A noose?  And you’re going to have to come up with something better than, “it was really more of a lasso.”  Aside from the political implications, as a decorating scheme, it’s incredibly creepy.

(4)  Do not refer to references to your Jewish heritage as “casting aspersions.”

Maybe this is a vocabulary issue again.  In that case, I would suggest maybe a Word-of-the-Day calendar, so that you can flex your linguistic muscles without always coming off as a creepy racist jerk.  For the record, aspersion means “a damaging or derogatory remark or criticism; slander.”  So it’s hard to take you seriously when you issue a statement about your pride in your Sephardic heritage the day after you toss out the “aspersion” comment when asked about it.  You see?Please give me a call if I can be of any further assistance.

Sincerely,

phonelesscord