He’s Actually A Lot Safer This Way

Dick’s Identity Crisis

Vice President Cheney has been having some trouble lately with his identity. He does not believe the office of the Vice President to be “an entity within the executive branch,” because he breaks ties in the Senate. But he does not seem to self-identify as a member of the legislative branch either, since he refuses to answer questions for pesky congressional committees.

All this confusion has no doubt left sixth grade civics teachers and School House Rock writers with deep misgivings about what they have been teaching the school children of America. I for one got through years of primary, secondary, and higher education without ever learning about the TOP SECRET EXTRA SPECIAL FOURTH BRANCH of the federal government to which Cheney must belong. Sigh – the system has failed me.

In response to all this madness Jon Stewart has started a hilarious new segment on the Daily Show called You Don’t Know Dick. The Colbert Report’s “The Word” segment was also very funny on the topic. You have to laugh when a crazy malicious old guy is running your country with total disregard for the rules.

I was thinking, maybe Dick isn’t being sneaky, maybe he is just confused. He does wear a lot of hats, and perhaps he has just become befuddled by his many roles….

LOLprez candidates

Candidate news with LOLcat-style captions, to make the conservativism and infighting more palatable…

When asked at the Republican Torture-Off, I mean Debate, about what kind of tactics he would use in a hypothetical situation where a prisoner knows information about a ticking time bomb everybody (except McCain) rushed to express their enthusiasm for various creative “interrogation techniques.” Most enthusiastic was Tommy Tancredo, who called upon Jack Bauer. Because when you want a job done right, nonfictional characters just won’t do.

In the “most heated moment” of the Republican debate, Ron Paul suggested that America’s foreign policy and actions in the Middle East could have inspired or encouraged the attacks of September 11. In response to this reasonable (and widely acknowledged) assertion, Rudy Giuliani freaked out.

Romney and McCain have been busy on the campain trail, attacking each other with all their might. This past week, McCain issued a triple-pronged OOOOOH SNAP to Romney, saying of his position on immigration, “Maybe I should wait a couple weeks and see if it changes,” (flipflopper!) “…maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun” (pretended to be a hunter, didn’t have a license for a REAL gun, just a pansy ass VARMINT GUN!) “…and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn” (used to have an undocumented gardener). Maybe Mitt can use deez gunz to get McCain off his case.

“Raise your hand if you don’t believe in evolution.” Just in case you missed this priceless moment from the GOP candidate debate.