Uh, Siriusly?

Sometimes I wish that the Democrats had the word coopting skills that the right has mastered so well. They call their education plan No Child Left Behind and, of course everyone’s favorite – their suspension of habeus corpus The Patriot Act. Wouldn’t it be nice to sponsor a war deauthorization called Safe and Victorious? Or instead of calling the campaign finance reform McCain-Feingold (catchy though it is), something like The Elections Aren’t For Sale Act.

I don’t know, I’m just tossing out ideas.

Anyway, this is all very tempting until I watch the other side do it, and remember how hopping mad and nauseous it makes me. It’s not enough for the White House communications staff to be hired out of Fox News, the President has to straight up steal their slogan. That’s right, LOLprez announced recently that the Libby pardon was “fair and balanced.” If that sounds familiar, it’s because those words are being tossed around with complete disregard for their definitions in exactly the same way over at Bill O’Reilly & Co.

My new favorite is Sirius Radio, who recently introduced two political talk radio channels: SiriusLeft, and… wait for it… SiriusPatriot. Now, I don’t personally bristle at the label of “Lefty,” but that’s because I am a bleeding heart pinko commie leftwing nutjob, and I embrace the title. Other, more middle of the road Dems who are less enamoured of Ralph Nader probably feel differently about the characterization. But that’s not what gets me. Nor is it the gross lack of any effort to be evenhanded. (Though seriously, is there some sort of problem with the parity of “Right” and “Left”? “Liberal” and “Conservative”? “Donkey” and “Elephant”? These terms come in pairs, they really do.) But no, it’s not the faulty parallelism either. It is the blatant misuse and coopting of the term “patriot.”

Obviously “patriotic” and “conservative” are not mutually exclusive. But they are also not synonymous, and I am really sick of having this word used so innapropriately. I’m saying this as a Democrat, and a democrat, and a liberal, and a patriot, but first and foremost as a person who uses words to communicate with other people, and so depends on other people to use vocabulary correctly.

And so, in the spirit of education and propgation of proper English usage, I am instituting the No Blog Reader Left Behind Vocabulary Initiative of 2007, which seeks to spread knowledge of words. I am starting with these:

Conservative

1. Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change.
2. Traditional or restrained in style
3. Moderate; cautious
4. (often initial capital letter) Of or pertaining to the Conservative party.
5. Disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change.

Liberal

1. Favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.
2. (often initial capital letter) noting or pertaining to a political party advocating measures of progressive political reform.
3. Favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, esp. as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.

Patriotic
1. Having or showing great love for one’s country.

Make of these definitions what you will, and choose your talk radio accordingly, I suppose.

(Does anyone else find it particulary ironic that the very people [conservatives] who are so eager to use these two very different terms [patriot & conservative] interchangably are the same ones who would like to make English the official language of the United States, thus stopping the translation of any government documents [including ballot materials!] to other languages? Because if I were to get behind such an initiative, I would want to first make sure that I myself were fluent.)

Argh! To lighten the mood, I offer the following fair and balanced image of
Pug Dog Wearing A Birthday Hat.

Finally, Something Gonzalez Can Handle: Cartoon Crime

The Simpson’s movie has been surrounded by a superfantasticrossmarketingmedia blitz including the online make yourself a Simpson game, turning 7-11s into QuikeeMarts, and voting on which Springfield is the home of the Simpsons. Overkill? Yes. Cause for a DOJ investigation? No.

But hilarious Representative Peter DeFazio thinks differently. He represents Springfield, OR and has recently written to Atty General Gonzalez, requesting that he investigate election in the recent Contest ‘O’ Springfields, which was won by Springfield Vermont. The letter is so priceless I’m just going to give it to you verbatim.

Enjoy.

Alberto R. Gonzalez
Attorney General
Office of Attorney General
Robert F. Kennedy Building
950 Pennsylvania, N.W.
Washington D.C. 20530-2000

Heidely Ho Attorney General Gonzales:

I write to you to express the outrage that I, and all Oregonians, feel regarding a recent event. I know there is a strong possibility that you may come back and say that you “don’t recall” to what I am referring, so let me refresh your memory. Recently, 20th Century Fox launched The Simpson’s Movie Springfield Challenge where people could vote on the real-life location of the home of The Simpsons. Naturally, most Oregonians felt confident that we would win, since it is obvious to everyone that Simpson’s creator Matt Groening, who was raised in Oregon, modeled Springfield after his childhood home. Oregon has over 363 miles of the most beautiful coastline in America, the Cascade Mountains, and is the grass seed capital of the world. What does Vermont have? Maple syrup.

This travesty must not stand. Springfield, Vermont is a town of only nine thousand people; yet this community received over fifteen thousand votes. Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud. It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?

Additionally, it’s my understanding that Springfield, Vermont entered the competition after the deadline. That’s clearly an election violation since they should not have been listed on the ballot in the first place.

Some people will say that we were rolled by the giant pink doughnut, but I believe there were significant voting irregularities. Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter. Additionally, I urge you to petition the Supreme Court to review the facts and consider whether or not this election should be set aside. Given the Court’s recent rulings on election proceedings, I’m sure they will be eager to review the case. I demand that you investigate this miscarriage of justice and restore Oregon as the definitive home of The Simpsons.

Okiliydokily,

Peter DeFazio
Member of Congress

P.S. Also, to see proof beyond a shadow of a doubt where the real Simpsons are live, go to http://www.defazio.house.gov/images/zoom/LGKSWV/simpsonspad.jpg and see for yourself. Photos don’t lie.

P.P.S. Vote Quimby!

Wednesday Links

Why am I so lazy on Wednesdays? Don’t ask questions, just click.

Hot Off The Blogosphere:

This hilarious blog post gives you the juicy/frightening details about a new over the counter weight loss drug. Disturbing, grotesque material covered in a really, really funny way.

Have you been staying up nights since the series finale of The Sopranos? Feeling a little empty, unfulfilled? Humming Journey all the time and being unable to concentrate at work because you’re unsure of Tony and Meadow’s ultimate fate? If so, get a life. But also, watch this great alternate ending. Best of all, the meaning of the yello cat is finally made clear…

Also, there is a really interesting piece in the Readings section of this month’s Harpers. “Variations on a Mirage,” by Edward Luttwak of CSIS, has been stuck in my head for several days. I’ll be writing more about it later but maybe you should read it to and then we can have a really engaging and intellectual discussion via comment thread, and it would be so cool. Anyway, in addition to having a thoughtful and unusual take on the situation(s) in the Middle East (Iran in particular), the piece has tons of great funny-but-serious lines, like,
“There are awed descriptions of the Pasdaran Revolutionary Guard, inevitably described as “elite,” who do ineed strut around as if they have won many a war but who have actually fought only one — against Iraq, which they lost.” I like it when policy wonks are snarky.

And, saving the best for last, I introduce to you Bitter Laughter, the blog of one of my favorite pals, Timo. Timo is very smart and funny but watch out, because he is also a big literature nerd and is likely to befuddle you with allusions to Ulysses and/or Finnegan’s Wake at inappropriate times. Consider yourself warned.