Finally, Something Gonzalez Can Handle: Cartoon Crime

The Simpson’s movie has been surrounded by a superfantasticrossmarketingmedia blitz including the online make yourself a Simpson game, turning 7-11s into QuikeeMarts, and voting on which Springfield is the home of the Simpsons. Overkill? Yes. Cause for a DOJ investigation? No.

But hilarious Representative Peter DeFazio thinks differently. He represents Springfield, OR and has recently written to Atty General Gonzalez, requesting that he investigate election in the recent Contest ‘O’ Springfields, which was won by Springfield Vermont. The letter is so priceless I’m just going to give it to you verbatim.

Enjoy.

Alberto R. Gonzalez
Attorney General
Office of Attorney General
Robert F. Kennedy Building
950 Pennsylvania, N.W.
Washington D.C. 20530-2000

Heidely Ho Attorney General Gonzales:

I write to you to express the outrage that I, and all Oregonians, feel regarding a recent event. I know there is a strong possibility that you may come back and say that you “don’t recall” to what I am referring, so let me refresh your memory. Recently, 20th Century Fox launched The Simpson’s Movie Springfield Challenge where people could vote on the real-life location of the home of The Simpsons. Naturally, most Oregonians felt confident that we would win, since it is obvious to everyone that Simpson’s creator Matt Groening, who was raised in Oregon, modeled Springfield after his childhood home. Oregon has over 363 miles of the most beautiful coastline in America, the Cascade Mountains, and is the grass seed capital of the world. What does Vermont have? Maple syrup.

This travesty must not stand. Springfield, Vermont is a town of only nine thousand people; yet this community received over fifteen thousand votes. Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud. It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?

Additionally, it’s my understanding that Springfield, Vermont entered the competition after the deadline. That’s clearly an election violation since they should not have been listed on the ballot in the first place.

Some people will say that we were rolled by the giant pink doughnut, but I believe there were significant voting irregularities. Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter. Additionally, I urge you to petition the Supreme Court to review the facts and consider whether or not this election should be set aside. Given the Court’s recent rulings on election proceedings, I’m sure they will be eager to review the case. I demand that you investigate this miscarriage of justice and restore Oregon as the definitive home of The Simpsons.

Okiliydokily,

Peter DeFazio
Member of Congress

P.S. Also, to see proof beyond a shadow of a doubt where the real Simpsons are live, go to http://www.defazio.house.gov/images/zoom/LGKSWV/simpsonspad.jpg and see for yourself. Photos don’t lie.

P.P.S. Vote Quimby!

Dick’s Identity Crisis

Vice President Cheney has been having some trouble lately with his identity. He does not believe the office of the Vice President to be “an entity within the executive branch,” because he breaks ties in the Senate. But he does not seem to self-identify as a member of the legislative branch either, since he refuses to answer questions for pesky congressional committees.

All this confusion has no doubt left sixth grade civics teachers and School House Rock writers with deep misgivings about what they have been teaching the school children of America. I for one got through years of primary, secondary, and higher education without ever learning about the TOP SECRET EXTRA SPECIAL FOURTH BRANCH of the federal government to which Cheney must belong. Sigh – the system has failed me.

In response to all this madness Jon Stewart has started a hilarious new segment on the Daily Show called You Don’t Know Dick. The Colbert Report’s “The Word” segment was also very funny on the topic. You have to laugh when a crazy malicious old guy is running your country with total disregard for the rules.

I was thinking, maybe Dick isn’t being sneaky, maybe he is just confused. He does wear a lot of hats, and perhaps he has just become befuddled by his many roles….

The Bridal Shower Straw Poll

You may have been hearing all this stuff about how McCain and Rudy are opting out of the Iowa Straw Poll. What you may not have heard about is this new straw poll that has emerged in lower Manhattan on last Saturday afternoon.

I was at my friend’s bridal shower, eating tasty crustless finger sandwiches and raspberry champagne cocktails (no lie – we were all wearing cute sundresses too. This was for real.) The festivities culiminated in a rousing game of Who Knows Their Financee Best, in which both halves of the happy couple took a quiz about each other. One of the questions:

If the election were tomorrow, who would (bride/groom) vote for: Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, or Bill Richardson?

I was super-psyched to see that my pal Bill had been upgraded by the Quizmaster to top tier candidate. And here’s the kicker: Bride said she thought groom would vote for Hillary. Groom said he thought bride would vote for Obama. But… wait for it… both said they would actually vote for Richardson. I know it’s a small sampling pool, but that’s a pretty serious landslide victory. (Also, this week on NPR’s It’s All Politics, Ken and Ron - who have some pretty substantial political street cred – said they liked Richardson’s chances in Iowa, even though he was not technically one of the “top three.”

So there you go. Bill Richardson rocks (and he’s funny). You heard it here first.