Dear Jonathan Franzen,

We met this week at your reading with Donald Antrim at the 92nd Street Y.  Of course, you may not remember our meeting, since I was in a line of several dozen people whose books you signed.  Be that as it may, I was very excited to finally meet you.

I admit to having a literary crush on you for several years.  After reading The Corrections, I (flattering myself) decided that you and I have a lot in common, and were destined to be together.  I could tell that we see things the same way.  I admired your expansive style of writing, your wit and intellect.  I also assumed that you were about 5-10 years older than me.

The age assumption turned out to be wrong.  I confess to sitting through a reading of yours last year (you read your essay on birding from How To Be Alone), mostly doing mental calculations of your age and trying to determine if my affections for you were entirely age innapropriate, and if so to what degree.  I confess to doing much the same thing during your reading this week at the Y. 

I had planned to say something clever when we met after the reading to make you see our cosmic connection, which is so clear to me.  I planned to mention some passage from Strong Motion that I found particularly memorable, or ask some insightful question that you wouldn’t have time to answer with all those other people waiting in line, and you would be so intrigued and want so much to continue our conversation that you would have to call me later and we would go for a drink to finish our chat.  Unfortunately, the clever line I chose to get your attention was, “I’m a big fan.”  Do you remember the scene in Dirty Dancing when Baby says, “I carried a watermelon,” and then stands on the pathway by herself and repeats, “I carried a watermelon?”?  It was pretty much like that.

Perhaps that is all for the best, since I have finished reading your memoir and have learned several important things.  First, you are just as smart and funny as I always thought.  My crush on you is as intense as ever, especially after learning all about your Midwestern boyhood.  I imagine we could spend most of our first date talking about growing up in Missouri and moving to New York.  But I also realized that my suspicions about our age difference were true:  that you are in fact 22 years my senior.  And that I, as a 24 year old, am dangerously close to actually being A Woman Half Your Age.  Which doesn’t bother me, really, but I can imagine it would make things difficult for us while attending dinner parties with your 40-something friends who would not be able to resist passing judgment.

But the crushing blow that your book dealt to my crush is the fact that you are, in fact, not single.  After some pretty serious googling, I discovered not only your girlfriend’s identity, but an article she wrote about your relationship as two writers of varying degrees of success.  It saddens me to say that the article was charming and insightful, making it difficult for me to write off your real-life relationship as I had hoped to do.    She writes humorous self-effacing sentences like, “It’s tempting to take comfort in generalizations, and I have,” and astute observations like, “What she envies is not something about being a writer, but something about being a man.”  It pains me to say it, but your girlfriend seems pretty great.

So, I suppose I am glad that you are in a relationship with such a smart and funny woman.  However, I am more than a little embarrassed at my failure to put my longstanding plan in to action.  If you do wind up breaking up, please publish an essay about it to let me know, and I’ll see you at your next reading.

Yours truly,

phonelesscord

congressional wage scandals

(rhymes with page!  get it?)

Congress just can’t seem to get it together to put the minimum wage increase to a floor vote in the House.  Now, I know it can’t be an ideological thing, because they’re obviously not against wage increases (see below).  I think they must have just been really busy.  Since 1997.  I know, the price of living has probably gone up since then, and it would at least be nice to have that lavish $5.15/hour periodically adjusted for inflation, but let’s not get greedy!  Our lawmakers have been busy!  They had to tend to some really important business, like trying to pass anti-flag-burning legislation, helping parents protect their children from the video games that they just bought them, and calling for “increased caution when dealing with large cats”.

Now, I don’t want to downplay the dangers of domesticated tigers or Nintendo ( and I’m not even going to mention the flag-burning legislation, because it’s clearly motivated by the purist patriotism and is NOT an election year ploy).  In fact, I’m sure those concerns (big cats and videogames) are on top of most people’s priority lists.  You know what, Congress, it sounds like YOU earned a raise!

And you know what, they agreed!

Federal minimum wage:     $5.15 / hour

Last year it was increased:     1997

Avg price of a gallon of gas in 1997:      $1.30

Avg price of a gallon of gas in 2006:   $3.00

Avg Congressperson salary in 1997:    $133,600 / yr

Avg Congressperson salary in 2006:   $165,200 / yr

Number of raises Congress has gotten in the last 9 years:   6

Number of times they have raised the minimum wage during those 9 years:   0 

1001 books you must read before you die (as amended by me)

I love it when people try to invent their own literary canon, so Peter Boxall’s new book, “1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die,” sounds like a treat.  Here are some of his suggestions, and some notes on what was glaringly absent:

On Beauty – Zadie Smith.  I second that emotion.  This book is awesome. 

The Sea – John Banville.  I know it won the Booker and everything, but this book is really boring.  Sorry.  It’s nicely written, but all the lovely description in the world doesn’t make up for lack of plot and interesting characters.

The Plot Against America – Philip Roth.  Haven’t read this one yet, but it really is supposed to be great.  And Roth is great, so it all adds up

Everything Is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer.  Am I the only one who thinks this book was totally overrated?  Those chapters about the shetl were torture.  Funny though, and good.

The Corrections – Jonathan Franzen.  Yes!  Amazing!  Crazy plotlines, horrible characters who are totally relatable!  And if you like The Corrections, please please read Strong Motion, also by Franzen, which is missing from the list but truly wonderful.

Fury, The Satanic Verses, The Moor’s Last Sigh - Salman Rushdie.  Yup.  Rushdie is such a great wordsmith and storyteller, he rocks my booklist world.  The only question is, where is Midnight’s Children on this list?  It deserves a spot.  Fury is great – far and away the most accessible and “normal” in the Rushdie canon.  The Moor’s Last Sigh and Satanic Verses are both wonderful epics, although I think Verses is more important than it is strictly great-to-read.  Midnight’s Children has some of the magical realism of Verses, but it’s less crazy, more touching.  Get it on the list.

Atonement – Ian McEwan.  The first 120 pages of this book are among the most beautiful things I have ever read.

Ignorance, The Unbearable Lightness of Being – Milan Kundera.  OK, props to the listmaker for including the obscure Ignorance alongside the massively popular Unbearable Lightness of Being.  Both are good, but Identity is better than either one.

The God of Small Things – Arundhati Roy.  Some of the most memorable language ever.  Haunting story.  If only Roy would write some more novels.  Meanwhile, did you know she’s written lots of nonfiction?  I’m starting a nonfiction work of hers now, a review will come soon…

Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden.  I have to read this before I die?  I don’t think so.  Don’t get me wrong – I read it and I liked it.  But it doesn’t belong on this list, unless we’re also going to include Sphere, by Michael Crichton, which is in the same category – fun, easy, interesting, and not that important.  Being a book snob?  Yup, but isn’t that why we care about this list at all?

Infinite Jest – David Foster Wallace .  Obviously, I love him.  I must admit though, I haven’t been able to finish Infinite Jest.  It’s great, but dang.  That mother is looooong.  Meanwhile, his books of essays are fantastic, and his short story collection “The Girl With The Curious Hair” will make you laugh hysterically, get a little teary sometimes, and cringe.  A lot.

Cocaine Nights – JG Ballard.  Really?  It’s a decent mystery novel.  Nothing more, nothing less.  If you don’t get to it before you die (probably because you spent a decade on Infinite Jest) you really shouldn’t feel bad.

The Shipping News – Annie Proulx.  It’s sad, and funny, and will make you think about life in small town Nova Scotia.

Life is a Caravanserai - Emine Ozdamar.  I’ve never heard of this book, but you can bet I’m going to read it cause, caravanserai is a kick-ass word.  (It means shelter, or inn, for people travelling in caravans.)

Love in a Time of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  You should actually feel guilty if you die without reading this one.  Love.  Death.  Talking Parrots.  Boats.  Hot Air Balloons. 

A Prayer for Owen Meany – John Irving.  Way better than the movie they made out of it, Simon Birch.  Way better.

Less Than Zero – Brett Easton Ellis.  I despise this book.  It’s a bunch of spoiled teenagers doing horrible things.  Not that I think all books have to have happy endings or anything, but there’s nothing redemptive here.  Just because it’s dark and shocking doesn’t make it good.  Nope.

Breakfast of Champions – Kurt Vonnegut.  Vonnegut  should be on this list more often.  This book was great – the return of Kilgore Trout, on the loose and going mad. 

Gosh this is fun…  If only I could blog about books full time. 

Anna Kareninan & The Death of Ivan Ilych – Leo Tolstoy.  Anna Karenina is just straight up juicy.  It is FUN.  Read it.  Sex, love, intrigue, Russia.  Ivan Ilych is less of a rollicking good time, but a good thoughtful (and really short) read.

Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad.  I have probably read this book about 10 times, and I could read it about 10 more.  If you didn’t have to read it in every English class you took in highschool and college (or even if you did), give it a whirl.

 Naked Lunch & Junkie – William S. Burroughs.  OK, really?  Did anyone read these books and actually enjoy them, or learn from them, or did we all just pretend to like them because it is really cool to be into The Beats but weren’t we all secretly just really confused and disoriented?  Maybe that was just me.  Actually, you know what, these do belong on the list, just for the disorientation factor.

Ooops! – I take back my earlier rant about Midnight’s Children.  It’s here, on the list, right where it belongs.

Finally, before I move on to my additions to the list, which were carelessly left off by people who’s taste in literature is different from (and inferior to) mine, a quick note to the authors I have talked smack about, especially John Banville and Bret Easton Ellis:  Hi guys, sorry I had to call you out those books you wrote that I don’t like.  Now, I know you guys are famous award-winning authors, and I write, uhm, this blog, so I’m not coming at this from a position of authority.  But rest assured, when I write a novel that is wrongly included in The New Literary Canon, you can trash talk me and my excellent fiction as much as you want, and I won’t take it personally.  And we’ll call it even.

And now….

the list of Books Wrongly Missing From the List, and Which You Actually Must Read:

1) Birds of America – Lorrie Moore.  This short story collection is maybe the funniest thing I have read.  But not stupid-funny, or over-the-top-funny, more of a dang-aint-life-a-bitch-funny and sometimes wow-people-sure-are-tangly-creatures-funny.

The following authors were left off the list entirely.  I think that was a big mistake…

2) Something by Joan Didion.  I haven’t read The Year of Magical Thinking yet, but everyone else has, and they all love it.  Play It As It Lays?  Also great.  Meanwhile her nonfiction is great too – Salvador (a travelogue/essay/expose) about El Salvador during its civil war is scary, moving, incredibly visual.  Or her essay collection, After Henry, which is just as insightful as you’d expect.

3.)  A Small Place – Jamaica Kincaid.  This little book, an essay written addressing its reader, who is presumed to be English or American, is a lecture about colonialism and life in a third world “vacation spot.”  It’s part history, part guilt trip, part autobiography, and always amazingly written.  I read it while on a trip to Mexico and it almost ruined my vacation, but in a good way.

4.)  Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy.  This is a great story of class, money, family, love.  Big Themes.  The writing is smart and full of irony and humor if you can get into the olden-days voice that is sometimes very clunky – which you should, because the story is worth it.

5.)  Invisible Man – Ralph Ellison.  I actually just can’t believe this isn’t on here.  Come on!!  It’s amazing!  Fun to read, engaging story, sympathetic characters, historically significant, lyrical language.  What?  There are THREE Stephen King books and NO RALPH ELLISON?  Put it on the list!

6.) The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay – Michael Chabon.  It’s pretty much what the title says.  Also you will learn some history, some magic tricks, and some Yiddish words along the way.  What’s not to love?

7.)  The Fortress of Solitude – Jonathan Lethem.  Magical realism, funk, and race relations in Brooklyn in the 1970s.  With a snappy, insightful narrative voice to top it all off.  Do it.

 OK, well that’s about all I have to say about that list.  Gotta go – in order to read these 1001 books before I die I am going to have to get started pronto.