Finally, Something Gonzalez Can Handle: Cartoon Crime

The Simpson’s movie has been surrounded by a superfantasticrossmarketingmedia blitz including the online make yourself a Simpson game, turning 7-11s into QuikeeMarts, and voting on which Springfield is the home of the Simpsons. Overkill? Yes. Cause for a DOJ investigation? No.

But hilarious Representative Peter DeFazio thinks differently. He represents Springfield, OR and has recently written to Atty General Gonzalez, requesting that he investigate election in the recent Contest ‘O’ Springfields, which was won by Springfield Vermont. The letter is so priceless I’m just going to give it to you verbatim.

Enjoy.

Alberto R. Gonzalez
Attorney General
Office of Attorney General
Robert F. Kennedy Building
950 Pennsylvania, N.W.
Washington D.C. 20530-2000

Heidely Ho Attorney General Gonzales:

I write to you to express the outrage that I, and all Oregonians, feel regarding a recent event. I know there is a strong possibility that you may come back and say that you “don’t recall” to what I am referring, so let me refresh your memory. Recently, 20th Century Fox launched The Simpson’s Movie Springfield Challenge where people could vote on the real-life location of the home of The Simpsons. Naturally, most Oregonians felt confident that we would win, since it is obvious to everyone that Simpson’s creator Matt Groening, who was raised in Oregon, modeled Springfield after his childhood home. Oregon has over 363 miles of the most beautiful coastline in America, the Cascade Mountains, and is the grass seed capital of the world. What does Vermont have? Maple syrup.

This travesty must not stand. Springfield, Vermont is a town of only nine thousand people; yet this community received over fifteen thousand votes. Unless they passed a law giving cows the right to vote, this smacks of election fraud. It also once again highlights the need for electronic voting with a valid paper trail. Was Diebold in any way involved in tabulating the results?

Additionally, it’s my understanding that Springfield, Vermont entered the competition after the deadline. That’s clearly an election violation since they should not have been listed on the ballot in the first place.

Some people will say that we were rolled by the giant pink doughnut, but I believe there were significant voting irregularities. Knowing how passionately the Bush Administration feels about counting every vote, I’m sure you will want to investigate this matter. Additionally, I urge you to petition the Supreme Court to review the facts and consider whether or not this election should be set aside. Given the Court’s recent rulings on election proceedings, I’m sure they will be eager to review the case. I demand that you investigate this miscarriage of justice and restore Oregon as the definitive home of The Simpsons.

Okiliydokily,

Peter DeFazio
Member of Congress

P.S. Also, to see proof beyond a shadow of a doubt where the real Simpsons are live, go to http://www.defazio.house.gov/images/zoom/LGKSWV/simpsonspad.jpg and see for yourself. Photos don’t lie.

P.P.S. Vote Quimby!

Dick’s Identity Crisis

Vice President Cheney has been having some trouble lately with his identity. He does not believe the office of the Vice President to be “an entity within the executive branch,” because he breaks ties in the Senate. But he does not seem to self-identify as a member of the legislative branch either, since he refuses to answer questions for pesky congressional committees.

All this confusion has no doubt left sixth grade civics teachers and School House Rock writers with deep misgivings about what they have been teaching the school children of America. I for one got through years of primary, secondary, and higher education without ever learning about the TOP SECRET EXTRA SPECIAL FOURTH BRANCH of the federal government to which Cheney must belong. Sigh – the system has failed me.

In response to all this madness Jon Stewart has started a hilarious new segment on the Daily Show called You Don’t Know Dick. The Colbert Report’s “The Word” segment was also very funny on the topic. You have to laugh when a crazy malicious old guy is running your country with total disregard for the rules.

I was thinking, maybe Dick isn’t being sneaky, maybe he is just confused. He does wear a lot of hats, and perhaps he has just become befuddled by his many roles….

This Week in Critter Science

Oh, science, always with the learning and the wackiness. Here are two fabulous tidbits that i learned last week. They may not really be science news, per se, but they were news to me.

This week I learned the best kept secret in ornithology. You didn’t know that ornithologists were secretive, did you? But it turns out they are positively Cheney-esque in their surreptitiousness when it comes to this little tidbit. You may or may not have heard that bird bones are hollow. Easier to fly, ligher, etc. Sure, why not? “But how can they just be hollow? Where does that air come from Where do they put their bone marrow?” you may ask yourself, if you are me, and watching Winged Migration has made you feel particularly investigative. Well I’ll tell you. It comes from their lungs! Bird lungs do not have the same little oxygen absorption thingees in their lungs that we do. Their lungs are connected to a bunch of air sacs, and the air sacs are connected to the insides of their bones! They breathe, and the air goes in their lungs and the oxygen exchange happens (like us) but also the air flows through their bones! I think this is weird and crazy cool, and have been very disappointed with the less-than-enthusiastic response I get when I share this awesome knowledge. But you nerd patrols reading the internetz for fun are bound to be enthused about this wacky science, right? I know I am.

It turns out that Cat Scratch Fever is not just a Ted Nugent song, but also a real disease. Called CSD, for Cat Scratch Disease. You can get it if a kitteh with some special kind of bacteria scratches or bites you. Kittens are more likely to have the bacteria than adult cats, so be careful around adorable pets; it causes swollen lymph nodes, fever, tiredness, and can take up to 3 weeks to go away.